The World of Spencer Brown

LIP SERVICE

2006-06-30T09:49:00.000Z

Just wanted to say a quick thanks to everyone who's been watching and enjoying Lip Service, and also thought it might be nice to leave an official space to leave comments.
Just recorded the last episode last night - with one guy in the studio audience who'd come three weeks in a row. Admittedly, he fancied holly, but hey.... I'm only hoping it wasn't the same guy who Drew the producer saw masturbating at the urinal in the studio's loos. I wish this was a joke.
Anyway, hope you like the last one. Whether there will be more, no one knows... lets just wait and see, but things are looking hopeful for a project of my own, and of course there's always the album to keep you going if you're missing me in the meantime.
I also recorded a stand-up show for paramount on Wednesday which was a lot of fun, so I'll let you know when that's on. I don't have Paramount either, so maybe I'll have to do a screening at my house. If you want to know when any of this stuff is happening (the home screening was a joke), just join the mailing list or my space and I'll tell you. Or don't you stubborn buggers. It's not like you're going to get emails from anyone else. I'm really not organised enough to get something like that together.

POO IN BAGS

2005-12-14T12:27:00.000Z

The pooper scooper has been around for some years now. Most people have been cleaning up after their dogs and its all starting to get a little better. Of course once in a while you see someone not doing it, but you don�t feel as stupid going up to them and performing a citizen�s arrest on the dog.

The break through has been helped by such catchy slogans as �clean up after your dog� and �bag it!�. Although I feel maybe these could be a little more involving. Maybe they could use some sort of rhyme - I dunno� �If it wags, take your bags� or �pack your fags, and your bags.�. Maybe for the hen pecked husband who uses it as an excuse to get out of the house �when she nags, take your bags.� I�m sure there must be one for people who are into bestiality, but I can�t think of anything.

Anway, the point is - a new phenomena has arisen! People have started bagging their dog poo but rather than taking it to a bin, they�re just leaving it on the pavement. At least that�s what I�m assuming - maybe they give their dog a couple of bags with their food, and they�re coming out ready packed, but I have to say I�m sceptical.

What do they think they�re doing? Do they see a future where the pavements and parks are covered with these tiny parcels of fun? At least the poo was biodegradable. It could be washed away by the next rain. Whereas these things effectively just make waste waterproof.

All that said, I trod in one the other day, and I have to admit it wasn�t half bad. You got all the sensation of treading in something with out the mess. I have to say it was a real relief. I thought - what have I done? But on looking down I realised I had merely made one of these parcels a little flatter. I suppose when you�re looking at it like that it just adds another low and high to the rollercoaster of life. Maybe they�re trying to take away the bad associations of treading in dogpoo. After all, its natural for this to happen occasionally, but then again its natural not to wear shoes.

YOU COULD LIVE LIKE A MILLIONAIRE

2005-11-27T15:40:00.000Z

Well, well, well. Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm in a trailer for Millionaire Manor on BBC1 at the moment. I have recieved many distressed emails that there is some French guy on TV who has stolen my face. But no - it is me, and the accent is merely an instance of my chameleon like acting ability. I was meant to do the whole voice over, so the French accent would have been a bit more in context, but apparently someone turned there nose up at it for fear it might provoke aggression in British viewers. Oh well.

Hey thought I'd include this link, which someone sent to me ages ago, to those nice boys in the Kaiser Chiefs picking me as their favourite comic. http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,14932-1636838_3,00.html
There you go. If you haven't already, but their album just to thank them.

THE DAILY MIRROR

2005-11-22T12:40:00.000Z

Here's a nice write up from last Friday's Daily Mirror. I didn't realise how intelligent a publication it was until now.

Jacobeans on toast

2005-11-07T21:01:00.000Z

So - where have I been all this time. Did I get carried away with all my own mysterious allure? Almost - I've been moonlighting as a serious theatrical actor. Yes, I landed the role of Humphrey, the Jacobean fop in The Knight of The Burning Pestle at the Barbican theatre. It was part of the Young Vic's young genius season, although I think maybe the writer had worked more on the young than the genius.

How to prepare for my part? I decided to go method, and spend a few months living as a Jacobean fop. On all my days off, I would dress in my doublet and hose, and head out into the world. If it was cold of course, I would wear my cape draped over one shoulder, and my perky beret. Then by moving around in public I was able to understand exactly what life would have been like for the character. The first thing I noticed was they got a lot of weird looks. But I also think this may have been to do with my moustache. They are notoriously difficult to pull off in this day and age. The fop would walk down the street, and get comments like "oi, dickhead - you going to a fancy dress party?" I tried not to break character and would reply
"I do not go to fancy dress
Upon you this I do impress
Nor sailing on the seven seas
Forsooth I go to Sainsburys."
i.e. replying in rhymed couplets as this is what my character would have done. This was when I learnt that the Jacobean fop got beaten up a lot. Its not always easy to keep in character when you have a fist pounding into your face, but I would still try to match each of his comments with a witty rhyme. Although I did lose it a bit trying to find a suitable rhyme for "dickhead pouf". I was considering going with wicked youth, but as I considered whether using an imperfect rhyme would make me look weak, I lost consciousness.

I have learnt a lot. I've learnt that theatre is a challenging art, and that I do not want to get involved in too much of it. The trouble is the line's already written and you have to say it right. The nice thing about stand up is if you can't say it right, you just rewrite it, until you get a version you can say. Unfortunately, it does mean a lot of my material ends up sounding like a caveman. "Men women different. Me no understand," The trouble is if you talk like that people are likely to think you don't understand single digit addition so aren't particularly concerned in your battle of the sexes. From now on if I do theatre, I'm going to only do plays where the lines don't need a rewrite. Leave you on one of my favourite lines from the play
"Sir, my friend,
Although as writers say all things have end,
And that we call a pudding hath his two;
Oh let it not seem strange I pray to you
If, in this bloody similie, I put my love
More endless than frail things or gut"
With material like that how can you fail? If it hadn't already been written I'd be doing it in my stand-up
Note: It is of course a reference to the phrase "a pudding i.e. sausage has two ends" - and as the character realises what he has gotten himself into, he says - yes it is indeed a good metaphor, for my love is more endless than a sausage (i.e. the gut being the traditional casing method). Sorry to state the blindingly obvious.

MYSTERIOUS ALLURE

2005-07-20T16:05:00.000Z

I got worried recently that maybe I didn’t have enough mysterious allure. You meet a lot of women who have it, and it seems to do them a lot of favours. “Tell you where I work? You’ll probably come down and stalk me!” is far more attractive than “the local spar.” Vagueness keeps you guessing – the intrigue turning over and over in your head – yes: she may work at Spar, but she might work at Waitrose, or even topshop – think of the discounts she could get me on fashion items as a staff member!

A woman without mystery is like a fart without a noise – incomplete. Sure – I’m no woman, but I’m no sexist neither, so I thought I’d try to develop a little mystery of my own.

The first thing I noticed was that mysterious allure does not work well in business situations. “When will that script be finished?” “Wouldn’t you like to know”. The producer I was speaking to was not impressed – although the next day I did find he’d sent me a gorgeous bouqet of flowers.

But maybe mysterious allure could help with my stand-up? So the next night I did a whole set without punchlines. Set up followed set up. I guided people through situation after situation without a single laugh. They knew everything I’d been thinking about, just not why I’d bothered to tell them about it in a comedy act. The audience was indeed intrigued. “Why do you think that’s funny?” “What the hell were you doing up there?” “Taxi for the comedian” - “yes, but from which company?” I replied. They were stumped. Apparently, after my act, they bombarded the comedy club with questions – “who was that guy?” “Can I get my money back?” “What about just a percentage of it to cover his act?” The bookers were not impressed, although the next day I did find the whole audience had each sent me a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

But maybe, just maybe, mysterious allure did have a use – and that was in matters of the heart. So I went to a bar and approached a young lady who looked like she might be up for a good time. She turned out to be a prostitute, so I approached a young lady who looked slightly less like she might be up for a good time.
“Can I get you a drink?”
I’ll have a rum and coke
“No – I’m asking if I can get you a drink? Do you think I have enough money? Do my pockets at this exact moment contain enough cash to buy you what you one?”
She admitted she did not know. To increase the mystery, I stared at her for two and a half minutes in silence. I then showed her the contents of my pockets.
“Yes – you see I do have enough money to buy you a drink, although if you want a double I’m going to have to ask for a contribution.”
I went to the bar and bought her the drink, settling for a glass of water for myself, slightly resentful that if she hadn’t been so greedy we could have both got half a lager out of this.
I returned with her drink. “Are you trying to pick me up?” she asked. The yes would have been too obvious, the no perhaps a step in the wrong direction, so I thought I’d try to give her confusing signals. Instead of answering, I began to play with a stray lock of hair, and at the same time started to dribble. It was almost like she couldn’t break eye contact with me. I think she was worried she might wretch. “Is that a yes or a no?” I touched her arm flirtatiously with my right hand and with my other I enthusiastically picked my nose. “I have to say I don’t normally talk to strange men in bars” she blurted out. She was clearly enjoying the novelty, so I started to dance around like a baboon. “Right” she said – “lets go back to your place.” After that I have to say I was a little intrigued by her – and we began the journey home.

So – that was a win for the intrigue. But the whole story did not turn out well. Coming back to my place spelt the end for her. It turned out she had a severe allergy to pollen. Still – no one will ever know who sent 50 bouquets of flowers to her funeral. But then again – that’s the way I like it.

THE TUBES

2005-07-15T09:42:00.000Z

Wow – I travelled on the tubes last night for the first time since the attacks of 7/7. It is exciting! I’ve never seen people so suspicious! It’s well known that people try not to talk on the tube – so seeing people just staring around at one another in silence is quite a sight! They’ve even started asking if bags belong to you. Although generally it is followed by “really! Where did you get it from – it’s simply divine!” But we can’t help surveying all the other people to see exactly who we’re dealing with in the carriage. The first thing you look for is guys on their own. If you are going to do a suicide bomb, you usually don’t bring the wife. “Hey darling – I’ve got a great idea for a day out for us and the kids” “Sure – what kind of time will we be back?” “Don’t worry yourself about that, love.” Of course, its important to make sure the wife is real and not a fake one stuffed with explosives.

The other thing people seem to be looking for is people with a bit of a tan, if you know what I mean. Obviously this is awful, but I guess every white guy who turned up wearing a cross during the crusades was given a bit of a hard time – “I’m here to do work for the ambulance service…” Yeah right. Everybody pick up a stone. I don’t want to get all sincere or anything but just because every person who sets off the bombs is brown, it doesn’t mean everyone who is brown sets off bombs. I did three years of philosophical logic at university and I know stuff like this. On the upside – if the occasional footballers wives wannabe gets arrested – well, you’ve got to take the smooth with the rough.

So to avoid all this rat racism – we’ve got to ask the fundamental question: how do we spot a genuine mentally frustrated fundamentalist muslim suicide terrorist bomber? You could pretend to do a survey asking for his views on crime.
What would be a good punishment for shoplifting
“chopping off the thiefs hands” he’s definitely on the maybe list
What would be a good punishment for eating unclean foods?
“chop off his hands, and then force him to work in a kitchen doing the washing up. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!” It’s still not looking good.

Finally ask them where they see themselves in five years time. If they reply – why living it up, surrounded by virgins, get off the tube. There’s not enough virgins in London for this to happen so he’s either a terrorist or on drugs. Either way – move it. If he doesn’t blow up, he might start a conversation – and that really would be terrible.

**Note: This post has been censored to avoid death threats.

2005-07-14T09:51:00.000Z

2005-07-14T09:44:00.000Z

WHERE MY COMEDY COMES FROM

2005-07-14T09:32:00.000Z

A lot of people think comedy comes from pain – that comedians were bullied as children and their comedy developed as a defence mechanism. However, for me this was not the case. Oh - I thought about using comedy as a defence mechanism, we all did, but after watching other people try it, I realised there was a little bit too much pressure to be funny. As soon as the laughing stopped, the punching started.

That’s why I developed my own defence mechanism – fighting. I found fighting a far more effective way of putting off bullies. It’s the same in wartime – fighting is far more useful when repelling an empty army. I know the British tried comedy for a bit during the second world war – they would stand on the front line and say a joke in unison – but the humour just didn’t translate – and even when it did, they would quickly run out of material, and then begin to regret having not brought their guns. After all, its not easy to get a platoon of 100 men improvising in unison.

Surely you’re not much of a fighter Spencer? I hear you ask. It’s true, I’m not – but my attempts at fighting would always keep the bullies laughing until the end of break time. It simply wasn’t worth them knocking me out, cos as soon as the punching stopped, the laughing stopped – and believe me if so much as a fist brushed past me I would go down. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement. They enjoyed taunting me, and after a while I came to enjoy being taunted. Not only that my reputation went through the roof – its one thing to be bullied – there’s a lot of stigma attached - but being an enthusiastic yet rubbish fighter really can pull in the chicks.

The added bonus was that the funny kids got scared of me. Who was this madman with nothing to lose? So after a while I began to bully them, and as I’d push them about they’d utter their comic gems – if they were funny, I’d write them down – if they weren’t I’d fake a laugh – after all its good to be encouraging. Many of these jokes are the ones I still use today. Remember my classic “stool pigeon” bit – that was stolen from a 5 year old who I said had big ears. Immediately I was impressed by the tightly written nature of his “bit”. Punchline followed punchline, but at that point I never considered that one day I might be able to use it to make a living. We can be so naïve as children - we never think beyond the following week – unless of course its December when we never think beyond Christmas.

So now if I want to “write” some new material, I just pop down my local school playground and ask for the funny kid. When someone who’s over 4 foot starts pushing them around they’re mighty quick to bring out their banker material. Kids aren’t scary – hoodies or no hoodies – you’ve just got to be prepared to threaten them with violence.

So in conclusion, maybe all comedy does come from pain. It’s just that in my case if comes from the pain of other people. It’s sad that that’s what has to happen, but to all the kids I’ve bullied, I’d just like to say your pain has given 10s of 1000s of people a lot of happiness, and if you try to sue me, I’ll come round to your house and call you names.

JUNE 30TH - TONIGHT

2005-06-30T09:54:00.000Z

What are you doing tonight? Whatever it is - cancel it and come on the alternative alternative walk. We're filming it for a non-broadcast pilot, so the more the merrier and what's more its going to be free, free, free! So, if you can't make it but know people who might be able to make sure you tell them, cos we need a certain number so we don't look stupid in front of TV executives. Anyway - if you want to come along be in Leicester Square Pret a Manger at 7.30pm. The acutal address is Cranbourn Street (its on the corner of upper saint martin's lane and longacre - pretty much opposite stringfellows). Sit in there and before long the party will start. Remember: rain will not stop play - spread the word!

2005-06-23T11:56:00.000Z

DON'T WORRY - THE BLOG WILL BE BACK - I moved house and my computer broke but now it is mended and the comedy will reign supreme!!!! ..... Any day now....

BACKYARD GIG CANCELLED

2005-04-21T18:50:00.000Z

A few of you may know about a gig at the Backyard tonight that I was meant to be doing. Unfortunately this is not happening due to a booking error. Mucho apoligo.

SPIKEFEST SHOW - 20TH APRIL

2005-04-14T18:03:00.000Z

Well, its about time you put something up I here you say. Well, I'm sorry, but its not my fault. My modem decided to break when I moved house. It obviously was so attached to the old place, it thought "well, if I'm going to have to live like this, I may as well not live at all," and committed computer hari-kari.
Well - I'm back. Or will be in a week when my new modem comes through. I'll tell you what reading matter doesn't get more interesting than this.
Anyhoo - I'm doing a one off one hour show next week as part of Spikefest on Wednesday the 20th April (8.30pm). Its a fifty seater so if I could sell it out that would be brilliant. Today fifty seats, tomorrow - The World (a pub theatre in Camden with 70 seats).
Its at The Brockley Jack, 410 Brockley Road, London, and the number is 020 8291 6354. For more information check out www.spikefest.co.uk or www.brockleyjack.co.uk. Please please come if you can and I will do my very best to be very funny. See you then.

FINALLY - WHAT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

2005-02-25T17:54:00.000Z

Trust Starbucks to do it again. They're always coming up with something new and innovating, but this is unbelievable. They now have a room specifically for punching babies. When you want to give your child a little uppercut to the midrift, you now don't have to skulk off in the corner and do it inbetween sips of coffee. After all, baby punching in public can often lead to trouble - the baby can cry etc and before long everyone's complaining. How many times have we heard this conversation:
"I just came in here to have a coffee and a chat, and now I've got to listen to your kid screaming."
"Well - I came in to punch a baby, and if they're not going to provide adequate facilities you're just going to have to deal with it."
Now these exchanges will be a thing of the past thanks to Starbucks committal to serving the needs of the customer. Thanks Starbucks from me, and the babies I work with.
Although, to be honest, I mainly just go in for the free milk.
"How can I help you?"
"Just a cup please."
Then you have the choice of whole or skimmed! My bones sure are healthy. All the better to punch a baby with.
Please note: spencerbrown.co.uk, does not advocate the punching of babies unless the baby has given his or her prior consent in words or writing. Actually, they're pretty dumb, so I guess a badly drawn picture will have to do.

YOBS - ALL OF THEM - YOBS!

2005-02-18T13:52:00.000Z

Is this what I have been reduced to? On Tuesday I performed to what I thought were a perfectly lovely audience. However, on taking a picture of them, for my own personal archive, I found they had mutated into yobs. Nipple pinches, fingers to camera, baseball caps - is this the kind of atmosphere I create? Youd think doing a satirical tv show might pique the interest of a more sophisticated kind of audience, but no - things dont get any more glamorous.

2005-02-18T10:51:00.000Z

I think what may be drawing away from the amount of respect I get is the fact I looked a bit like a child. I shaved my beard off and now look like a teenager, so presumably my audiences decided to act appropriately. Still theres no excuse to act in an immature manner. But - on the up side, my bit about whoopee cushions did go down extremely well. On the whole, I think, a success for the elegant sophisticated wit that I am peddling. Here is me looking young. The second episode of Nathan Barley is on tonight so watch it please.

NATHAN BARLEY - TONIGHT!

2005-02-11T10:57:00.000Z

Just to let you all know that I'm in Nathan Barley tonight - (Friday 11th Feb 10pm Channel 4), as if I haven't gone on about it enough already. Still if I don't remind you, you might forget.

If you were hoping for something more substantial in this post - forget it. Although you could click on a link that will take you to an interview I did for the Edinburgh festival on BBCi - http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/edinburgh/questionnaire/spencer_brown.shtml - probably not worth writing down. When you get something this catchy you've got to take advantage of it.

Also - if you think you're on the mailing list and haven't recieved anything today or in the last week, join again cos somethings gone wrong. A few emails keep bouncing back and I have no way of contacting ye lost souls who were once awith me.

Hope you enjoy the show.

2005-02-06T17:24:00.000Z

The gigs this week havent been going too well for me. Oh sure - Ive been funny. Yeah - people have laughed. But what is a little joy compared to a life that has been left in ruins. The young ladys name was Sareeka. She had left her bag on a table at the other end of the front row of the club I was playing. Maybe a naïve thing to do in a comedy venue, you might think, but no big deal: What did you do - just chuck it randomly when you came in? might be what a lesser performer would have said. What they probably wouldnt have done is acted this out. With props. And thats where I came in Heres a tip, if you are chucking a bag across the room for the sake of comedy, always look where it might go. That way, if it does go there, the consequences arent quite so unexpected. Where it did land was on the space previously occupied by Sareekas drink, which in turn went on to find the occupy the space previously hosting a pair of dry trousers. My apologies go out to Sareeka, whose trip home probably had her mistaken for an incontinence sufferer. Still - got a good photo. Thats the one good thing about these digital cameras - youve always got them when something happens. Memories are overrated, but a photo lasts for ever.

I couldnt buy her a drink, because unfortunately I wasnt carrying any money on me. In that way Im very much like the queen. That said, if a £10 note had a picture of my face on Id probably carry some around if only for identification purposes. I dunno, maybe she carries stamps. Anyway, I couldnt replace the drink - so if anyone sees her, please get her one from me. Then if you see me, let me know, and Ill repay the favour, by spilling one on your trousers. Then you too could appear here looking like youve had a mishap. Isnt life fun?

Please note: any photos will be accepted of actual mishaps. Please send them to mail@spencerbrown.net.

TRAIL ERRR...

2005-02-03T10:41:00.000Z

I'm in a trailer. I don't know if anyone's seen it yet, but its certainly been on so yipedee day! I always had a suspiscion that my face would be a great way of selling things, although I hear the artworks below are still available.

If anyone wants to check it out - go to the website www.trashbat.co.ck - I'm in the second one. This is meant to be a viral marketing campaign, so maybe it should be secret - but its been on TV for gods sake - if that isn't a chance for a virus to spread what is.

The shows out next Friday 11th February at 10pm on Channel 4. It's called Nathan Barley. And before you start saying I'm overacting, big is what they wanted, OK? As people who have seen me live understand - the main thing I'm known for is the subtlety of my performance. Hope you enjoy. It.

I AM ART

2005-01-25T15:33:00.000Z

I always said what I did was art, but no one believed me. Too many poo jokes perhaps. Maybe if Picasso had painted in smoky clubs, he wouldn't have been quite so respected... But, now its official: I am art. This week, some paintings of me went up in a little exhibition in a bar in Soho. Look how glorious my face looks in black and white. I think one of them's also available to buy, but I don't think the loyality of my fanbase has quite reached that level yet. Hmmm. Anyway, if any of yo bitches are out in D'arblay St, have a peak through the window of bar Chocolate, and you will see I am not lying. This is what they look like, for people who don't live in London, or the rest of you who don't really want to make the effort.

So there. I told you I was special.

MOST GORMLESS AUDIENCE MEMBER EVER!

2005-01-18T22:37:00.000Z

About a week ago, I faced my most gormless audience member ever. His face filled me with joy as I looked at his naive unaffected visage. This is how mankind should look. Luckily I had my camera, so I took a photo, but I have to admit in hindsight, his photo-face looks slightly posed. Hmmm. Still, how lovely of him to recreate that face just for me. What a lovely gormless man. If you see him, shake his hand. But watch out for the dribble.

SEX TO TERRORISM IN ONE EASY STEP

2005-01-10T17:58:00.000Z

A friend of mine recently bought a video from the harmony sex shop. This is not a friend, as in “I’ve got this friend who has herpes”, when in actuality, I’m the one who has herpes. Although, I don’t have herpes either, so maybe this is a bad example. Ha, ha, ha. Anyway, to continue from inside the hole. My friend likes sex. He was watching a sexy video, because he likes sexy thrills. It’s as simple as that.
But on seeing him the day after, he was not blind, as you would hope and expect, but shouting anti-capitalist slogans and screaming “death to the Tyrant America”. In the name of research I watched the video, and was deeply shocked when the “O” in the HARMONY title suddenly changed colour, and I was suddenly being told by an evil looking devil to “HARM N.Y.” (artists impression:)

Luckily my desire to not harm New York was too strong, and I managed to resist the slogans evil pull. But how many vulnerable people are being lead into a life of terrorism, when all they want is a good honest back-to-basics wank? This must be stopped. It is evil propaganda against one of the greatest countries on earth by the terror community. Worse still - when the fundamentalism inhabits you, you really lose all desire to knock one out, believing it to be against Allah etc, etc. I am not recommending you boycott these videos, but just be aware, and close your eyes during the pre-title sequence. After all, these videos are woman-friendly, and from watching them they seem to imply the best way to be friendly to a woman is with your cock.
Apologies for the crudity, of this post. I think the Osama Bin Laden video had something subliminal in it about fucking...
New walk pictures are on www.yourealreadydead.com. And I'm going to try to update this at least once a week from now on, hopefully more. Its a new years resolution

I'VE BEEN BUSY

2004-12-23T15:30:00.000Z

I've been a bit slack in doing this journal thing recently, but the last few weeks have been really busy. Look:
First I offended an audience with a bit of new material I'd written. Some look happy, but believe me, most of them really hate me:

2004-12-23T15:21:00.000Z

Then I went on BBC radio London, in disguise to maintain my anonymity

2004-12-23T15:20:00.001Z

Then I took people on one of the alternative alternative walks and caused much trouble.

2004-12-23T15:20:00.000Z

So I went away to get away from it all, and did a few days working as an ice-skater in Budapest

2004-12-23T15:19:00.000Z

Now I am back and ready for Christmas and the new year. Have a lovely one, and see you all next year.

THE SECOND ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE WALK

2004-12-06T18:03:00.000Z

Last Thursday was the second alternative alternative walk. It was fun. This is a picture of me leading a crowd of people across Leicester Square pretending to be zombies.

2004-12-06T18:02:00.000Z

If you want to see more of what happened go to http://number-3.blogspot.com or www.yourealreadydead.com

TIME OUT LONDON, OK?

2004-11-30T18:01:00.000Z

In case you is interested in reading it, there is a articul in time out London about the walks we is running. It is on page 66.

DASHINGNESS

2004-11-26T11:20:00.000Z

A couple of days ago I decided I have not been looking dashing enough recently. Every so often someone comments on my appearance. You look well, you look tired, you look suspicious, but never once has anyone said I look dashing. The annoying thing is whenever I see someone scanning my face; this is the look I try to go for. I came to the conclusion that things werent going to plan, so I decided it was time to shave in a proto moustache. This is my attempt. I look pretty dashing I think youll agree.

2004-11-26T11:19:00.001Z

But as every musketeer knows, being dashing is not easy. Particularly when the hair you grow on your upper lip is a mixed blonde/brown colour. Luckily I had what the musketeers lacked: JUST FOR MEN BEARD AND MOUSTACHE COLOUR GEL. Within four minutes my moustache was brownish and ready to go. Here I am relaxing with my moustache dye. I think youll agree both me and the man on the packet look pretty damn cool.

2004-11-26T11:19:00.000Z

If you check the sound page on the site youll see Ive added an interview which I did on the radio a few years ago, which is quite funny if you listen through to the end of it.

This post was sponsored by the millet marketing board. Millet: for manly men with moustaches.

IT'S MILLET TIME

2004-11-21T16:18:00.000Z

Today it struck me that Id never had millet. Its a grain, as good as any other, and according to Dr Gillian Keith is high in B vitamins and boosts the spleen. What had my mother been thinking - never exposing me to this health giving staple? Did she want me to go through life not experiencing the pleasure of millet. There was one way to deal with it - I was going to buy some millet

2004-11-21T16:17:00.001Z

This is what it looked like cooked.

2004-11-21T16:17:00.000Z

So - prepared and served up with some fish - here it is my first taste of millet - if you want to join me for this experience, youll need to buy your own millet. Then we can try it together. Let me tell you - I was pretty psyched for this taste sensation

2004-11-21T16:16:00.001Z

Oh my god! Millet is awful. NEVER eat it. Even covered with like a gallon of soy sauce I almost vommed.

2004-11-21T16:16:00.000Z

The second mouthful was no better. Mother - I love you. Please sign up and boycott Millet - it must be banned.

2004-11-21T16:15:00.000Z

Strangely, after a while it really seemed to grow on me. A certain subtlely of texture, and a grain like appearance makes millet the choice for a new millennium. Come on - youre only 4 years behind. Make millet your grain of choice now. You dont know what youre missing.

This post was sponsored by the millet marketing board. Bringing you millet, whatever the weather.

THE ALTERNATIVE ALTERNATIVE WALK

2004-11-19T18:22:00.000Z

Thanks so much to the people who came along on the first alternative alternative walk last night. It was great. We got chased by ninjas, bought individual grapes in tescos and sang happy birthday to someone sitting on their own in McDonalds.
If you want to see pictures, you can go to
http://number-3.blogspot.com
or you can go there through the www.yourealreadydead.com site.

NEW HECKLER - NAMED AND SHAMED

2004-11-17T20:00:00.000Z

Here’s my heckler from Saturday night. Cath (the witch's name) talked to her friends throughout my act, because she had “seen me before”. So what? Maybe I was saying different things, maybe I had a new piece of material. OK, but seriously – she just wouldn’t seem to shut up. The whole audience shouted her down, and if you shouldn’t go with the crowd after that, then 1940s Germany didn’t support Adolf Hitler.

2004-11-17T19:55:00.000Z

Anyway, when I took a photo of her for the axis of evil section of the site, she seemed to think it was all some big joke - what does she think I am - some kind of funny man?!!!???? Anyway, what she wasnt counting on was that I had access to photoshop - oh yeah: (this is the version before distortion)

2004-11-17T19:54:00.000Z

Yet this is what Caths soul looks like. Welcome to the axis of evil.

2004-11-17T19:50:00.000Z

Oh – and tomorrow is the alternative alternative walk – please come along. We guarantee it will be the most fun you’ve had in the last 4-7 days – see www.yourealreadydead.com for details.

HOW TO BE FUNNY 1

2004-11-13T18:10:00.000Z

It won't be long now till I start franchising out my comedy “act", but before I do – maybe the following tip will help you to be funny in your own way.

2004-11-13T18:08:00.000Z

Tip 1: Diet.
A comedians diet is very important. This was my lunch today - brown rice, chicken, broccoli, onion and red kidney beans. I was not funny immediately after the meal, as my blood was being used to digest the food, but later on the slow release of energy and lack of processed ingredients really gave me a humour boost. Digesting is the process where we convert the food into energy and extract the nutrients from it. It is very important. Without digestion, we would not be able to function properly, and our poos would look exactly the same as the food we have eaten. This would really seem like a waste.
Because I had a healthy lunch, I have a lot of good energy for this evenings performances. This can then be processed by the funny bit of my brain which leads to a whole lot of funny. I try not to eat a large meal before the gig, as this will involve more digesting - again diverting energy away from the brain and its humourous regions. The question is - when do you want to be funny? As a professional comedian, I am prepared to experience a comedic lull immediately after lunch, but you might not be. If I eat lunch at 1 - I am not funny again til about two thirty - I mean, sure, I can be mildly amusing, but not hilarious. I take advantage of this time by doing chores, which I would not be able to do the rest of the time because I am cracking up. However it can lead to problems. Maybe you want to impress someone of the opposite sex with your wit, and stroll over to their desk immediately after lunch. The only joke will be your failed attempt at humour. You wont even be able to offer the excuse - sorry I wasnt that funny in the preceding conversation I was digesting, because you wont even realise. So - work out when you want to be funny, and eat around that.

2004-11-13T18:07:00.000Z

This is my audience from the backyard last night. The lady who took its friend Ellen wrote in to say shed be very proud if it was up. So here it is - be proud, although probably dont use it to open your portfolio. You may also notice that I am wearing the same shirt for this gig as the last few - I like it OK? And I do have a washing machine. The fact that I havent used it should not be an issue.

EVIL-MAN

2004-11-08T17:09:00.001Z

I do a gig Saturday night – and some guy in the audience decides to take a picture of me. Why not you say – everyone would want a picture, we just don’t normally take our cameras to a comedy club. But then he explained why – his girlfriend apparently thought I was “cute”, and he wanted to get a close-up of my sweaty armpits to put her off. I was extremely insulted. What was wrong with the picture I posted of my sweaty armpits only a few days ago from the Soho theatre? Was the quality not good enough for him? Did he find the lighting a little too mainstream? Besides what is wrong with his girlfriend – she must have a mental problem.

2004-11-08T17:09:00.000Z

Anyway, this man is clearly an evil man. So I took a picture of him, to expose him on my website. Hes not the only one with a goddam camera. If you look closely youll see that he has red eyes like the devil who he clearly is.

2004-11-08T17:08:00.000Z

Red eyes, evil teeth, and when we zoom in on the photo - we can see that not only that, he also has some kind of weird protrusions from his forehead. Some people might think these look drawn on, but they looked like that in real life too. Anyway - he is the first inclusion in my axis of evil. Hecklers beware - no cheap putdowns for me. I shall expose them instead to the WORLD!!!

SOHO THEATRE iii - THIS TIME ITS PERSONAL

2004-11-04T20:14:00.000Z

I’ve finally finished my little run, so if you didn’t come, you missed it. BUT: do not despair – there are many gigs in London this month that I am performing at, and Thursday the 18th sees the first ever alternative alternative walk – which you should really come along to, you really should. Details to follow.
Bad news as well – I have been dropped from the Channel 5 annual most shocking moments programme, on the ground that they wanted people who were involved with the actual events – I mean, just because I wasn’t there, and don’t really have an opinion and am very badly informed – is that really a reason why I shouldn’t broadcast what I think to the nation. OK – maybe I don’t know who half the people they were talking about were; maybe I wasn’t prepared to do the research to find out; maybe I haven't read a newspaper in about a year and a half (except horoscopes and TV listings of course - there's nothing wrong with the good bits) – but still - I think they have a problem with me, cos they can't handle the truth.
Also – if you’ve tried to comment on any of the posts and couldn’t – that’s because I SET IT UP WRONG! HURRAY! You thought you were a fool – no! It was ME! Anyway, its all sorted out now, so spit it out you pigs! Bye bye very nice talking to you and in the future I will be even more funny. thank you.

2004-11-04T20:11:00.000Z

This is my final audience from the soho show - there are a few more of them you can see - I reckon if I carried on doing the show for another 7 months it would have started to sell out. I am the one with the arrow pointing to my head and really sweaty armpits. Not only funny - sexy too. Yeah ladies - fantasise about my sweaty love.

2004-11-04T20:09:00.000Z

The good news is my trousers didnt rip.

SOHO THEATRE II

2004-10-30T11:48:00.000Z

WOW! I am one popular entertainer!

2004-10-30T11:47:00.001Z

This is my audience from last night. I bought up most of the tickets in the audience myself in order to make my material last longer.
I managed to fit the whole audience on the stage for the photo. That was pretty cool, but also slightly embarrassing. I think I need to do something about my marketing. The man in the corner is Nick, who is my technician. He didnt take the photo but felt left out being in the lighting box. He does not normally look like this, but I decided to use a photo where he looked a little gormless.

2004-10-30T11:47:00.000Z

These guys are called Ben (left) and Tania (right). They came up to me after the show and said how much they enjoyed it, and asked me if I would take a picture of them with a ham that theyd made into a smile. Ben offered me the ham as a gift, but Tania really wanted to eat it and vetoed the offer. They asked if I thought they were weird. I am not getting involved.

2004-10-30T11:45:00.000Z

My trousers split again (a different pair) although I think it is important to note that the rip is more underneath, so no one picked up on it. Just my little secret, but I think some of the moves I'm pulling are just maybe too rad. Last night tonight - the good news is I only need to sell 112% of the house to break even on this little project. Woo - hoo!!!! Heres hoping.

SOHO THEATRE 1

2004-10-29T11:20:00.000Z

Last night was my Soho theatre show. I was very funny. Attendance was fair to middling. Tonight is Friday, so it should be busy which is also very exciting.

2004-10-29T11:18:00.000Z

The audience was lovely - this is one half of them. I tried to get the people from the other side to move into the photo, but they were all too lazy and some of them were pregnant. If you came - thanks. The man in the top left hand corner is Jimmy who took the photo - he put in the effort so I didnt want him to feel left out.
I also tried videoing the audience on the way out from under the curtain as I thought it might look good on the website, but after a few seconds I realised I looked like a pervert who was trying to see up girls skirts so I stopped.

2004-10-29T11:17:00.000Z

The bad news was that sometime during the show my favourite trousers ripped. This was bad news for me, my favourite trousers, and the audience who I imagine found it quite distracting. I didnt realise until the end of the show, but now I thank the gods for blessing me with a short penis - I knew it would come in useful sometime.

HAIRCUT

2004-10-27T14:39:00.000Z

Today, I decided my hair looked stupid. After last week's dissapointing break with Christianity and my spiritual side, I have decided to start looking after my appearance a little bit more. Besides, I have my Soho show this weekend, and who knows who might be there. But I think you'll agree - it looks terrible.

2004-10-27T14:38:00.001Z

look

2004-10-27T14:38:00.000Z

So I went to the hairdressers to get it cut. This is Dylan at Pierpoint on Archer Street. This is the moment when we first met.

2004-10-27T14:37:00.000Z

Dylan told me his prices. Look at my face I am aghast.

2004-10-27T14:36:00.000Z

So I told Dylan one of my comedy bits and he agreed to cut it for nothing.

2004-10-27T14:35:00.001Z

After the haircut - were both happy. Me at having a new haircut, and Dylan because he heard my incredibly amusing joke.

2004-10-27T14:35:00.000Z

It is a very sharp haircut I think youll agree - here you can compare details around the ear. It is strange that the cut also managed to change the colour of my skin. Dylan admitted he would have cut anyones hair for free after that joke, but made me promise never to share it with another human being, as it had the power to destroy his business. To hear some other comedy jokes, come to my show starting tomorrow at the Soho theatre. Go on you know you want to.

MY UNINTERESTING LIFE

2004-10-21T12:41:00.000Z

It’s just started to hit me – why I never did a journal before. Nothing very interesting ever happens to me. And I’m not like some of these people having revelations all the time. I know what I think, and I know why I think it, so the fact is I’m not easily swayed. Give me a second, that’s the door.
This is going to sound unbelievable, but it’s an hour later, and I’ve just had a life changing experience. That was a Jehovah’s Witness. I don’t normally talk to them but I was bored so I thought I’d have a little chat, and it turns out they’ve got a lot of good arguments. I never thought I’d say it, but I think I’m a believer. This is so weird – its strange suddenly finding out that someone died for you, and no matter what you do, if you believe in him you’re going to be ok. I’m really going to have to rethink my priorities. I’ve just wasted so much time trying to make people laugh and doing all these silly little TV spots and stuff – I think this is probably going to be the last entry on the web-journal as I don’t think this whole comedy thing is really where I want to be – so what’s the point?
It seems strange to be giving up comedy in front of everyone, but I guess if I’m going to give up, it’s as good a time of any. I’m really sorry to all the people that have supported me over the years, and, if you’re reading this you must have thought I was pretty good, so I hope you’re not too disappointed. But maybe we could get together sometime and talk about more serious things. Actually, to be honest: fuck you. Fuck all of you. Where were you when I was doing shows to five people in a pub last year. Thanks to Jesus I forgive you. Anyway – logging out for the last time now… oh give me a sec that’s the door.
Jesus Christ - its two hours later– I should log out if I’m going to do other things. Anyway, I know this is going to sound unbelievable, but that was a Satanist. I didn’t know they’d started doing house calls. He was really interesting. I’m telling you – what that Jehovah’s witness said was bullshit. I can’t believe I bought it – it turns out that God was just some kind of fascist dictator, trying to impose his ego on the rest of heaven. Lucifer was just trying to get some kind of democracy going. I can’t believe I didn’t see this before. Anyway, I’ve signed up – and I’ve actually managed to book an appointment for a blood transfusion later on this afternoon.
Spread the good news – I’m back in comedy! Thank god I didn’t cancel next week at the Soho Theatre. By the way, sorry about the whole fuck you thing – I didn’t really mean it. Just a joke. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Funny huh? Ha, ha, ha. I hope you got it. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You still like me don’t you. Don’t you? If only my damn delete key wasn’t broken…

2004-10-21T11:38:00.000Z

This is my audience from Monday night at the fortnight club in Islington. A lot of them were teenagers. I hope this doesn't attract a new kind of client to my webpage. Got to try to not put any words on that might come up in a search engine such as "barely legal" or "sex" or anything

Audiences

2004-10-17T21:54:00.000Z

I decided last night to start taking pictures of my audiences. They get to see a Spencer Brown show, but all I get to see are a bunch of people sitting in a room. They hardly ever tell me their names, and, well, I dunno – sometimes I feel I’m just talking at them. All they ever do is laugh, like they’re trying to humour me. Actually that’s not true. But I do love my audiences so I just thought it would be nice to have something to remember them by. So here are my ones from last night, at the Banana Cabaret.

2004-10-17T21:53:00.000Z

These were the people upstairs - they were all very nice and appreciative. Well done them.

2004-10-17T21:50:00.000Z

However in the downstairs room, there was a fairly mixed response - however everyone was prepared to smile for the photo - how superficial

2004-10-17T21:43:00.000Z

Some people over here got very confused but...

2004-10-17T21:42:00.000Z

These two people seemed to find it very funny, and I think they are very clever

THE BIRTH OF THE MIRROR

2004-10-13T11:08:00.000Z

Man discovered he enjoyed looking at himself. But when he was thirsty, his reflection disappeared, so he invented the mirror – the world’s first non-drinkable reflective substance. He found some metal and polished it until he could see a reflection. He looked in the mirror, and it pleased him, then he breathed on the mirror and used his finger to write the word bum. This pleased him more.

On seeing his reflection, he challenged it to a fight – and he hit it with his club. The mirror caved and it made his face look all bent. He laughed. He had not laughed so much since he had hit his friends face with a club and made it look all bent. This was humour. He put the mirror in a cave and charged an entrance fee. It proved as popular as his previous attraction but without the weekly hassle of feeding the guy with a bent face.

Woman saw the mirror and enjoyed it even more than man. In fact, man could not understand how much she enjoyed it. So woman invented the bathroom door. She could do what she wanted behind this and no-one would know. Man soon discovered what she was doing though, as she had failed to invent the bathroom walls. She had to find a reason to spend more time in front of the mirror, so after much thought she invented MAKE-UP!
She looked at her reflection in the mirror and put some chalk on its skin, some berry juice on its lips, and some charcoal to its eyes. She looked nice, but as she moved away from the mirror the colour stuck to the glass. She decided next time to apply it to her own face. As she did this the person in the mirror did it to, and she realised what she was doing was good, cos look how quickly it had caught on.

Soon, the woman got a spot – so she invented cover-stick. Which in those days consisted of an actual stick, cunningly placed over the infected area.

With the discovery of the second mirror, man discovered with careful positioning he could see behind himself, and a new pair of buttocks appeared. He invented a third mirror, but no new buttocks appeared, a fourth mirror, and no new buttocks. Then he attached the mirror to the ceiling and more buttocks appeared, as did the sound of a wah-wah guitar.

my interesting life

2004-10-11T22:08:00.000Z

Well, I'm sure most of you are checking this after my highly successful appearance on Croatian National Television at the weekend. I almost didn't manage to leave the country after a problem with security at the airport. I am pushing for them to introduce supermarket style dividers on the conveyer belts. The sub-machine gun belonged to the person behind me - a divider would have prevented this and allowed them to plug offers in the duty free.

I've decided to start this journal, because I live such an interesting life. For example, only 18 days ago, I was in Sainsburys and I noticed the woman in front of me had bought 2 packs of Sainsbury's back bacon, when some brand name bacon was on a two for one offer. If she'd just looked around, she would have paid half the money and got better bacon.

This kind of thing doesn't happen to most people; I am blessed, so I feel I must share.

The Croatian people were lovely, and almost without exception had their own hair. I admire a country where a man can wear a moustache and still be considered a man. His facial accoutrements serve not as an indication of his sexuality, but as a window to his soul. He is a man, he is in control, but most of all he is a human being.

Willkommen

2004-10-11T13:26:00.000Z

Hello
Welcome to my online journal thingymigig.
Its going to contain lots of funny things from my mind and things to do and up to date gig lists etc.
All of these will be very nice.